My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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