im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
