and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
Randomize
