the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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