Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Haha so you are never gonna want to meet my mom now...she just found your thong in her front seat
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
