A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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