So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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