i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college
she has no idea
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
