Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
