We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Will exercising make me less horny?
Randomize
