I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
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