I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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