just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Randomize
