I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
