I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Randomize
