i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
Randomize
