First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
