its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
