If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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