I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Can you get an STD by sharing underwear? Walk of shamed home and realized I was wearing someone else’s panties
No one knows. This doesn’t happen to normal people.
Randomize
