He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
