I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
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