i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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