I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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