so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
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