Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
