Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
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