I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
I normally need adult supervision or a babysitter, but I refuse to let someone keep me from making irresponsible and wrong decisions at the bar on my last bday ill ever have in texas
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I just pictured my inhibition personified as little pink piggies with wings flying off into the great wide nowhere hahaha
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
