my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
