god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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