nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
