im about as happy as oj after his trial
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
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