I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
How old am I that I had to sneak a boy out of my room this morning...
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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