I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
