Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Randomize
