This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Randomize