Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I can't have the last guy who touched my vagina be my coworker.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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