...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
We need to get me chipped asap
He literally asked permission to hit on me
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
