do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
