Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Randomize
