I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
birth control should be required to get into college
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Randomize