Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
