I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
