I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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