He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
