We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
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