I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
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