is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Randomize
