you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
