Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
