How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I remember key bumps, porn and a mom in my bed. Sums up my day.
that is an amazing summary hahaha
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Randomize
