I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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