You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
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